Something Wicked This Way Comes

I realized the other day that I haven’t introduced all of our animals. With the exception of Ballzy, none of the indoor cats have received their proper introduction. I thought I would start out with a bang by trotting out my most freakish of freakish animals. More freakish than Blue Piggy was. More freakish than Summit the rescue horse acts. He is part Gothic grotesque (which is frequently confused with a gargoyle but as I recently learned, gargoyles have water spouts, grotesques are decorative statues only) and part peach. He is needy and friendly and lacks any decorum. Meet Hamish. He’s hairless.

He is also extremely hard to photograph because he is very, very curious (and closes his eyes if you use the flash.) When they say curiosity killed the cat, they (whomever they are) were talking about Hamish. He is always on the move and nothing, not dog, nor high place, nor boiling pot of water- scares him. If we were in the south, we would say, “That cat ain’t got no sense…bless is heart.” He frequently climbs too high for his skill set. When we first brought him home, he climbed up on top of the fridge and couldn’t get down again. In order to top him, we booby-trapped the fridge. This was no clandestine operation. We clearly piled boxes and baskets on top of the fridge so there was no place for him to land, if he were to jump up there. He tried anyway and he fell. There is some irony that his name shortens to Ham because that is exactly what his hairless body sounds like when he hits the ground: a big old slab of ham, slapping down on the meat counter.

Hammy causes a variety of reactions when people meet him. They are either repulsed or completely drawn to him. It’s all the same to him, unlike other cats, he is going to love you either way. He loves meeting new people and he especially loves men. He likes to chew on their thumbs. No, we aren’t sure why, it’s just what he does. He has a way of charming doubters. He is especially charming if he has had a recent bath, which he should get once a week. If he hasn’t had a bath, he is less charming. he has a funky smell. Not stinky, more greasy. It’s not that he doesn’t try to bathe himself, believe me, he unabashedly picks his toes all day long.

And here he is again, caught in the act with my cell phone camera:

But overall, he’s a pretty entertaining guy. So how did we end up with this creature?

That’s a very good question. It wasn’t my idea. I know what you’re thinking: that’s impossible. Dave is a poor victim to my animal hoarding ways. Well dear reader, I assure you, I was perfectly happy with our two indoor cats. One a neurotic mess, the other a stately Grande Dame. One day while laying in bed, Dave turns to me and says (I committed this to memory in case it comes up in the divorce proceedings), “You should get one of those hairless cats.” I squealed with delight. I got the computer. I proceeded to search. I was especially taken with a kitten named Hitler, who was Siamese in color (except hairless) and had a little Hilter-esque mustache spot. I however, could not see spending $800 for a cat. He was on sale for that amount! Now, I know people buy expensive animals. There are people who would cringe at the price I have sold my show horses for. I don’t judge if you pay that much but I personally, was not going to pay that much for a cat named Hitler, who is no doubt planning to take over Austria, while lounging in his owner’s bed. Instead my sister-in-law found Hamish, on Craigslist. His breeder was going out of business and Ham was selling for much less than Hitler. Also, his name wasn’t Hamish. It was Sampson. She also had a Delilah and an evil little girl kitten who was black calico (hairless cats skin is the same color their coat would be, if they had a coat.) She was Hammy’s daughter and kept launching herself at the buttons on Dave’s polo, except she was too small to jump that high so she would hit his chest about half way up and cling to his shirt by her tiny claws. It was hilarious and terrifying, all at once. We took Sampson. He was slightly less wild but still very entertaining.

And so it came to pass that we added a THIRD CAT to the house. The 900 square foot house. I thought it would be OK because my big aversion to getting a third cat was the extra hair. What no one talks about is that hairless cats have something worse than hair. They have displaced body oil. Them some greasy mofos. There are brown spots everywhere he rubs his face (which he does a lot.) There’s a greasy spot on the bed where he naps. He has ear wax, like nothing I have ever seen. Hairless cats are high maintenance. And gross.

If you can look past his grossness and his ignore his funky smell, and see into his greasy little heart, you will know that despite his terrifying shell, he is the sweetest cat. All he wants to do is love you. But, you will still want to memorize lines from the Ray Bradbury poem when you wake up to this:

Crystal water turns to dark
Where ere its presence leaves its mark
And boiling currents pound like drums
When something wicked this way comes…

A presence dark invades the fair
And gives the horses ample scare
Chaos rains and panic fills the air
When something wicked this way comes…

Ill winds mark its fearsome flight,
And autumn branches creak with fright.
The landscape turns to ashen crumbs,
When something wicked this way comes…

Flowers bloom as black as night
Removing color from your sight
Nightmarish vines block your way
Thorns reach out to catch their prey

And by the pricking of your thumbs
Realize that their poison numbs
From frightful blooms, rank odors seep
Bats & beasties fly & creep

‘Cross this evil land, ill winds blow
Despite the darkness, mushrooms glow
All will rot & decompose
For something wicked this way grows

Which of course draws its inspiration from Macbeth. Shakespeare obviously had a hairless cat:

By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, locks,
Whoever knocks!
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6 responses to this post.

  1. I feel kind of sorry for him…he must get cold more easily than a hairy cat? And presumably he’d get sunburnt really easily if he went outside?

    Reply

    • Posted by aztechalo on December 16, 2011 at 09:17

      Don’t feel sorry for him. He is the happiest, most annoying cat ever. He’s pretty good at taking care of himself when he gets cold. He spends most of his time on a lap and if we’re not home, he crawls into his fleece blanket. I have a sweater for him but I don’t make him wear it because the other cats beat him up, when he does. He also enjoys sitting on the floor vents when the heater is on. I guess when you’re hairless, you adapt.

      I would assume he would sunburn but since he has no outdoor skills, he is not allowed outside. A cat that curious would get himself into a world of trouble in the great outdoors. He’s a lighter color called red (his minimal hair is actually fiery red) but there are much darker cats that could probably withstand sun a bet better. His daughter was black with tortoise shell spots. She would have been OK outside, I think.

      Reply

      • Posted by No. on December 16, 2011 at 20:35

        I know Hammy and I love him!!!

      • That’s good to hear. He does sound like a very happy-go-lucky cat compared to mine, who hid under the floorboards for a couple of weeks when we first got him. Sitting on the floor vents must be really fun!

  2. Are you sure the “something evil” in this little story isn’t… your sister-in-law! 😉

    Reply

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